Pre marriage: 9 Things Worth knowing 

 .......the pre marriage tips no-one tells you...

 

Number #1. Fairytales have a lot to answer for!

The amount of time, effort and money spent on a wedding is incredible compared to a pittance, if any, thought (let alone money) spent on relationship learning, i.e. premarriage sessions.

IRONICALLY this one day is a bigger goal than a marriage. It's a product of long term socialization of women, growing up dreaming of the perfect romantic wedding ...they grown up with party dresses that leads to the ultimate princess wedding dress.....

 

With this goal it is no wonder that women, young women in particular, don't want to know that the relationship has something wrong with it...acknowledging this negative may take the dream away.

 

The risk is that they never get to live the romantic wedding dream...so they prefer to ignore their doubt than give up on the wedding. They think that others have had their weddings and they won't -they would become the old maid -the ugly sister...

 

Number # 2. 'Love in blind' still rings true

Most couples believe that love is enough, that they love each other so much that they will work out any difficulties ...They honestly think they are different and therefore will do it better. A little like people who think that they will be a better parent then other people.

 

Number # 3.  Having high expectations

Marriage is the most complex relationship two people ever have; rarely do people learn how to do it before hand; therefore the marriage is a constant experiment; it is more important to be open to learning than to know it all from the start.

Premarriage is a logical time to learn lessons about 'how to do relationships' but few people want to hear the messages.  It has more credence if couples have lived together for 2 or more years.

Number # 4. Get help early

 The advice therefore is; Learn later but get help early....the biggest mistake couples make is either not getting help at all or getting help too late.  Getting help early means that the 'willingness' to work on problems is still there.....getting help late means the lessons / learning is harder because negativity and defensiveness has developed.

Number # 5. Listening is more important

Communication is more about listening rather than having what you want to say heard.  With this in mind your partner can air their concerns and you make it your business to listen. Note; Listening is an active skill, rather than something passive.

 

 

Number # 6. Why stay?

Remember you are in a relationship with a volunteer, albeit a committed one, but a volunteer no less.  Give your partner a good reason to want to be there every day...that way you won't take them for granted.

Number # 7.  To be or not to be

Don't' aim to be friends; it not enough. Its part of the relationship mix but it's not a good goal...plenty of 'friends' get divorced.

 

Number # 8. Have high standards

On every single issue; work out who has the highest standard.  The highest standard is the one that is set as the couple's standard... (As long as they are not obsessive in nature); the person with the lower standard has to aim higher and needs to get close...they don't have to reach the high standard every time. There is no loss in aiming for high standards but there always loss in lowering them;

 
An example of different standards; one person overweight and one slim person.....the standards (i.e. lifestyle choices) for the slim person are going to be better to aim for ...the person who is overweight will never be worse off by adopting these higher standards...if however the standards were lowered... the slim person would be worse off as they would put on weight....

Number # 9. What matters

Forget about the 'ideal' of love;
The MOST important thing you can concentrate on is making sure your partner 'feels like they matter to you'...... in everything you DO, DON'T DO, SAY and DON'T SAY.

 

If you use this as the filter your partner will always feel like' they matter to you ' which becomes the single most important thing for everyone over a lifetime;  that love follows this principle is an absolute given in every case; but it does not work in reverse....
With this principle relationship problems may be a thing of the past!!!