SURVIVING CHRISTMAS

 

The Christmas, and New Year, period is the grand-final of all holidays.

 

At this time of year the strength of a marriage can be tested. 

 

Christmas is a wonderful occasion to look forward to... equally it is a time that some families dread.

 

After together for some time, all couples are familiar with the issues that Christmas and New Year bring to them. It is not only the fat man in the red suit that shows up on the same date each year, so do the old fat and familiar family and relationship issues. 

 

The same old issues are there waiting to come up yet again, causing the same conflict between couples year after year.

 

 

That being said, at Humaneed, we strongly believe that Christmas and the New Year period for all its effort and trouble, is a terrific opportunity for both partners

1. to draw closer together,
2. to increase their connection
3. to affirm their love for each other, and
4. to strengthen their marriage and family. 

This is achieved by both partners taking the time, care and interest to discuss and address each issue as they surface, while avoiding becoming angry and disrespectful to the other. 

 

Aside from the normal stressors of organizing presents, attending work Christmas parties and perhaps drinking too much, there are five potential deal-breakers that couples should be mindful of when negotiating Christmas family get-togethers.

 

1.  Where will you spend Christmas?

One of the biggest hassles is deciding whose in-laws house you go to for which Christmas meal.

 

Are you lucky or unlucky if both sets of in-laws live within a close enough proximity for your family to attend at least one of the Christmas meals, i.e. Christmas Eve, breakfast/morning, lunch or dinner. 

 

Here, we suggest that you put your mature adult heads on and talk through the pros and cons of each possible arrangement. Keep in mind that arguing does not equal negotiating. See our article on communicating as a couple .

 

THE KEY to best manage the conversation is to adopt an approach where you both are prioritising the other’s needs and wants above your own.

 

This will help you both to feel considered and respected and give you a better chance to reach a reasonable decision.... and best of all, your marriage remains solid.

 

2.  My in-laws don’t like me...

If you have a situation whereby....

1. one of the in-laws does not like your partner and
2. there has been sufficient conflict or unresolved matters
3. where either your partner is no longer welcome at your parents, or
4. your partner is too hurt to attend your parents house.

Some couples try to resolve this by the aggrieved partner remaining at home while the dutiful partner takes the kids to see the grandparents and receive their Christmas presents.   

 

This solution is generally not a good solution as it risks driving a wedge between you and your partner, it may prove that the in-laws have 'won’ the dispute.

 

What is important is that all extended family members see you and your partner as a united front, in that your family i.e. your partner and children, are your priority in life, rather than the will and demands of parents and in-laws.

 

3.  I don’t like my in-laws

What to do if one partner is unwilling to attend their unfriendly in-laws for Christmas. 

 

You may have a situation whereby your partner does not get along particularly well with your parents, or other extended family members, but you want your partner to come to your Christmas family get-together and put on a good face.  

 

Here we suggest that will help your partner to manage the discomforts or possible threats... You can make it more comfortable for you partner to attend if...

1. They must know and feel that they come first to you.  
2. They need to feel that you will intervene to support and protect them should a difficult situation develop.  

AVOID the most common mistake....

 

What happens instead is that the partner whose parents you are visiting will either not see how their family of origin treat their partner, and/or will try to get their partner (the son or daughter in-law) to not cause a commotion.  

 

This is a big mistake, as it will make your partner feel that they do not matter and the in-laws have greater power over their 'child’ than they do as a partner. 

 

Again, this can cause a conflict leading to a significant wedge between the couple. See our article on managing conflict better .

 

4.  Coping with this super busy time for all.

A good strategy is to talk openly with each other about all the competing demands,

1. brainstorm solutions
2. find reasonable ways to attend to all demands,
3. demonstrate a willingness to compromise to support your partner’s needs and wants.  

In short, don’t be dismissive of your partner’s requests, and don’t selfishly prioritise all of your needs and wants over that of your partner’s. 

5.  I’m not getting what I want

What if you feel that your partner is getting it all their way and you are feeling short changed with the Christmas arrangements.

 

This is an all too common situation. Perhaps getting an agreement that for the following Christmas, the priority will be given to your family of origin get togethers.

 

It may even be worthwhile to put this agreement in writing so as to avoid memory issues the following year.

 

As always, it is best to approach all the Christmas agreements with enthusiasm and good Christmas cheer.  

This will make the relationship dynamics easier for you and for all others.

 

Remember don’t create huge negatives for your loving relationship... Christmas is only one day....find a way to chill and enjoy.

 

 

Wishing you a safe and merry festive season from all of us at Humaneed.